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Friday, July 4th, 2008

Subject:covert livejournal opperations.
Time:9:53 am.
Mood: bouncy.
guess who got an A on a paper about the cold war?

me.

10 pages of solid awesome, that's what that was.

you may ask yourself, "why did it take so long to see the grade? didn't you finish that class in may?"

why, yes. as a matter of fact, i did. but you see, when you borrow books from libraries they tend to want them back eventually, and i seem to have forgotten that rule for so long that they put a hold on my account and i wasn't allowed to look at my final grades until yesterday.

how's that for waiting for the last minute?

anyway, now i just have to register for one more class. this one's a doozy, though. "war and society in the post-WWII era." sounds just like the last online class i took, but it's technically a different class, so i'm getting six credits for three credits worth of work. score.

enough about school. what's new in the life of me?

nothing. rock band is pretty awesome, but now i'm looking forward to guitar hero four, so it's lost a lot of luster for me.

everything else i could say is pretty unnecessary, so i'll leave it at that.
Comments: 1 dust bunnie - bite the dust.

Sunday, June 15th, 2008

Subject:i've seen sinking ships go down with more grace than you.
Time:11:59 am.
Mood: bouncy.
being "in the know" is really a nice situation to be in. i get all the info, all the laughs, and none of the headaches.

god damn, my life is good right now.

i work a lot (6 days a week) but i actually like my job. i got a raise and a promotion (with more to come), 5 of the 6 people i work with are pretty cool, and i get free coffee. what more could i ask for there?

i'm 21. nuff said there.

the two friends i really cared about that i wanted to get back in touch with, i have, and it's like nothing changed.

the best thing of all is that everyone i wanted to "see the light" so to speak has. everyone that didn't want to listen to me when i knew what i was talking about has eaten their words since, and i'm loving the amount of "i told you so's" i get to dish out per day. (i told you she wasn't worth it. ^_-)

the only thing i would change if i could is more money and my own apartment. obviously i'd never be able to afford one all by myself right now, but in a year or two i'll have a degree, a guaranteed job at eb (til i finish the rest of school), and the means to 100% support myself. when that day comes it'll be the best day ever, and holy shit am i excited.

now if only i could get ray to be happy, i'd be golden.
Comments: bite the dust.

Thursday, February 14th, 2008

Subject:shut the fuck up.
Time:12:04 pm.
Mood: worried.
ever sit back and wonder what life would be like if that fucking franz ferdinand douchebag would've kept his mouth shut? no world war one, probably a world war two, but not as amplified and referred to as world war one, but i have to wonder.. who would've developed nukes first?

probably the germans. i mean.. we did steal their scientists to get one ourselves. and could you imagine what the world would be like if they got 'em first? what if they used 'em? we used them, twice, but they refused to surrender. ends justifies the means and so on, but hitler.. now he probably would've nuked the shit out of everyone he didn't like.

i don't know why i think about these kinds of things. for some strange reason, it actually seems to come up in conversation every once in a while. especially with the election going on.

speaking of the election, i'll be perfectly honest, i'm voting for mccain. half because i like the guy (i've liked him since the last time he ran) and half because he says that his first official action in the white house, should he win, is to secure the borders and do something about illegal immigration. thank fucking god. i'm so sick of people trying to play the sympathy card cause their country sucks. how is that my problem? why the hell should i have to pay more taxes because you fuckers want to leach off us? if you give illegal immigrants amnesty, why even bother having laws at all? "it's not okay for you, but since they had a shitty life, they can break any law they want and we can't touch them because this is the land of opportunity." fuck your land of opportunity speech and fuck your amnesty. when actual americans can't find a job because the fucking chinese and mexicans work for less (being as they were too fucking poor or lazy to get in legally) and take every last shit job available, the whole "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" bit gets thrown right out the window. it's turned into "unemployment, taxes, and hope you can survive this month." and i'm fucking tired of it. i'm ready for a president who isn't a little bitch about it.

i'm also really sick of living paycheck to paycheck because ford won't give it up. develop technology so that you can hide it? nice one, guys. thanks for setting us even further back from japan. no really, i love paying an arm and a leg for gas when i could be using a fuel cell and not spending that much at all. it really makes my day.

i guess it's a good thing no one reads this anymore. i actually have a place to talk about something other than men and music. by the way, when did everyone get so damn shallow all of the sudden? it's like no one cares what's going on in the world at all. we're going to have to run the country pretty soon, and there's going to be nothing but fucking morons to choose from, and then we'll be fucked. i'm absolutely terrified to see this country under my generation's guidance and authority. ray's excited. either way, should be interesting, to say the least.

i guess i just wish i had more friends (not saying i don't have a couple) that aren't completely stupid. i just don't understand how you don't care. i bet they'll care when we get nuked due to shitty judgment though.

"clever feet that flicker like fire
and burn like candles in smoky spires
do more to turn my joy to sadness
than somber thoughts of burning planets."
Comments: 1 dust bunnie - bite the dust.

Sunday, January 13th, 2008

Subject:lookie what i found. ish for you.
Time:5:24 pm.
Mood: amused.
there are just too many times that people have tried to look inside of me
wondering what i think of you and i protect you out of courtesy
too many times that i've held on when i needed to push away
afraid to say what was on my mind, afraid to say what i need to say
too many things that you said about me when i'm not around
you think having the upper hand means you gotta keep putting me down
but i've had too many standoffs with you, it's about as much as i can take
so i'm waiting until the upper hand is mine

so many people like me put so much trust in all your lies
so concerned with what you think to just say what we feel inside
so many people like me walk on eggshells all day long
all i know is that all i want is to feel like i'm not stepped on
there are so many things you say that make me feel like you crossed the line
what goes up will surely fall and i'm counting down the time

i know i'll never trust a single thing you say
you knew your lies would divide us but you lied anyway
and all the lies have got you floating up above us all
but what goes up has got to fall.

you think you won
and then it's all gone.
Comments: bite the dust.

Subject:ten feet of twiggy.
Time:1:56 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
you know what's hilarious? when people can't stop taking the same picture of themselves. could you possibly be more full of yourself with no good reason? i mean seriously. these emo kids and their damn cameras. the picture is always the same no matter who it is. it's always at an angle, there's always eyeliner involved, and they're always taking the picture of themselves. people know what you look like from that angle. and if people wanted more pictures of you, they'd take 'em themselves. relax.

so ben's been emailing every day for a while now. it's nice. i feel like we've really gotten to the just friends point, and it's comfortable. and getting emails everyday almost feels like he's around and we're on the phone or texting or something. lol.. it's like i have friends.

so i've finally gotten over being sick a little bit. but now my back hurts pretty bad. lucky for me, i know roger's number. ^_^

ps - new one tree hill isn't as bad as i thought it would be. hooray for happy surprises.
Comments: bite the dust.

Saturday, January 12th, 2008

Subject:it's gettin cold in here (so cold!) so put on all your clothes.
Time:9:02 am.
Mood: sick.
man.. fuck being sick.

pneumonia/bronchitis/the flu or whatever the hell i have needs to stop. i had this terrible fever yesterday and everytime anyone or anything touched me it hurt, i was either sweating or freezing, and when i was freezing, getting goosebumps hurt. balls. i want to remember this experience for the next time i laugh at someone for getting sick. this is what i get.

if i have bronchitis or pneumonia, though, maybe i can score some painkillers. that'll make it all better. and if i get some, i'm not giving them to anyone. last time i did that people fucking started stealing them. fuck that.

so, future me, don't make fun of people for getting sick.
Comments: bite the dust.

Saturday, December 29th, 2007

Subject:i shall sing my tale to the panda.
Time:11:28 am.
Mood: ecstatic.
holy shit. i'm finally getting what i want, and let me tell you, it feels fabulous.

sometimes, i really love being me. ^_^
Comments: bite the dust.

Tuesday, December 18th, 2007

Subject:nothing compares to a quiet evening alone.
Time:10:13 am.
Mood: distressed.
every time i turn around there's something there to piss me off.

ray's mom has three heart attacks, got home from the hospital, and there's a whole bunch of things she can't do anymore. she can't lift, go outside in the ice (in case she falls), she can't even get a papercut because her blood can't clot, so she'll bleed to death if anything happens, and every time i think she understands that she can't do these things, there she is trying to do it. and everytime i do stuff for her, she has something to say about the way i'm doing it. if you want something done a certain way, just fucking say so, don't nit pick every little thing i do. and god damnit, i can't be worrying about you doing stupid shit all the fucking time. relax.

on top of that my job is in serious jeopardy. some new lady came in and changed the schedule giving me only 8 hours this week and herself 40. luckily i got one extra day, but still. i can't take care of me, ray, AND his mother on a 12 hour paycheck. and what the fuck is up with the four hour shifts all of the sudden? that woman is dead to me. and i will act as such when i get to work with her tomorrow. hooray.

on top of THAT, my former best friend turned out not to be a friend at all. she's too fucking selfish to even say "i'm sorry" and then when i apologize first (even though i didn't do anything wrong in the first place) she ignores me. what the fuck? did i drop everything when you wanted to talk about how you feel about something you shouldn't have been doing in the first place enough? did i care too much? did i cover for you when you were cheating on your boyfriend too much? where the fuck do you get off acting all high and mighty? you take take take and never give anything back. i'm fucking sick of it.

also, i'm not even allowed to be upset about this shit anymore, cause god forbid ray wake up and i'm not standing there smiling like a fucking idiot ready to do whatever he wants. if i'm the least bit unhappy around him, automatically i ruined the day and i get him saying "can't you ever go more than one day being happy?"

no. i fucking can't. maybe if i had a little help from the people who were supposed to be there and help me when i needed it actually cared, i would be okay.

why does everyone make it so difficult for me to just get through a day? i don't have any time to worry about myself. not to mention any money to spend on myself. no, i have to spend all the money i work for on shit i don't want or need.

where does it end? i feel like i'm fucking 40 years old. i just want everything and everyone to go away.

i don't really expect anyone to read this. i'm just venting. but if you do read this and you have something to say, make sure you think about it before you make yourself look worse.
Comments: 8 dust bunnies - bite the dust.

Sunday, November 11th, 2007

Subject:you're my favorite mistake.
Time:10:56 am.
ouch. that's what i get for thinking i still meant something to you, i guess. i knew i didn't and never did, but i still (for some reason) thought maybe i was wrong. well.. i guess it's finally time to move on. it sucks, but i guess it's really the only option i have. i should've realized this a year ago, but i guess i'm retarded and/or hold out too much hope for people.

heh. see if i do that again. i'll never let you in.
Comments: 4 dust bunnies - bite the dust.

Friday, October 26th, 2007

Subject:tack another one to the list.
Time:11:28 pm.
why do so many people hate me?
Comments: 2 dust bunnies - bite the dust.

Tuesday, October 16th, 2007

Subject:g's up, hoes down.
Time:12:00 pm.
Mood: bouncy.
so here are the nice parts of the situation:

- i am the only one that didn't whine on aim or in a livejournal entry. kudos to me. ^_^
- i don't even kind of know you, Kit, but thanks. that made me smile. i'm actually curious as to what he did to piss you off now.

now then, i'd just like to make it perfectly clear that my livejournal is not, by any means, a message board. if you want to say something to a particular person that has nothing to do with me or my entry, i would appreciate it if you would keep your comments confined to somewhere else.

that being said, i can move on..

so tonsillitis.. fuck tonsillitis. my tonsil looks so fucking gross. like it's decaying or something. it's just spots (like strep throat) but still, it's unpleasant and i'm sick of being sick. ugh. and fuck you, mike, it is not fun at all. ^_-

so i was looking through old pictures, and look what i found:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

i think i was 15 in that picture. but either way, the thing on the wall that we're so excited about is actually still on that wall in waterford high. that's absolutely amazing. it's a very offensive picture that i'm not going to share, but still, i'm pretty impressed.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

and i just love resurfacing that picture. haha.. larry's nuts.

alrighty, i'm done.
Comments: 18 dust bunnies - bite the dust.

Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007

Subject:buddha has a ghost penis that lives in my cereal.
Time:9:56 am.
Mood: annoyed.
i'm so bored.

ugh.

added to mix list:

:. gramereye - remy zero.
:. river of dreams - billy joel.

i'm not really sure what to do in this situation. i could be an asshole and be better off or i could be nice and end up causing myself a headache or two. and another thing.. THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW, you fuckin prick.

that is all.
Comments: 4 dust bunnies - bite the dust.

Wednesday, September 26th, 2007

Subject:i'm staring down a gravel driveway of desire trying not to wake up my sleeping self loathing.
Time:3:23 am.
Mood: nervous.
mix in progress. mostly acoustic as it seems.

:. you'll ask for me - tyler hilton
:. say yes - elliot smith
:. name - goo goo dolls
:. say it ain't so - mozella
:. wish i may - ani difranco
:. together we'll ring in the new year - motion city soundtrack

so far, that's it. i could take it in a totally different direction if i set them up in the right order. unfortunately for this mix, the technochrist is far too lazy.

i don't even know why i'm putting this shit in here, it's not like anyone reads this anymore. myspace rules the blog world nowadays. not that i actually say anything worth reading there, but that's not the point.

actually, i don't even know what the point is.

anyway, i got a job, my car's getting fixed, and logically speaking this should've been a fantastic day. but for some reason it's just not. it could be because i've been listening to depressing fucking music all night or it could be because no one seemed to be as excited as i was for myself at first. not even my mother. i swear, i think it really would kill her to show some sort of approval.

i'm so sick of people saying that ray sucks and my relationship with him sucks just because we have problems. big fucking deal. i've never heard of a relationship of any kind that doesn't have problems. and another thing; when the hell did it suddenly become everyone's business whether or not i'm happy with my relationship and what i intend to do to improve it? no one cared before, why start now? plus, as long as i'm happy, why should anything else matter?

i really wish i could just go ahead and forget about people that have made it pretty clear that they want nothing to do with me. but i'm a sucker for lost causes so i suppose that's making it a little worse for me. i just don't understand why. and here's a little fun fact for anyone who still actually reads this: if i were slightly more selfish and had the balls, i'd have killed myself by now. going to school is a fucking joke when it comes to my attitude toward it. i need help more than i've ever needed help before and i'm too chicken shit to ask anyone for it. i feel like i should be fixing my shit myself. i'm an adult. that's what adults are supposed to do. but i'm scared and i'll probably always be scared. i'm sick of never having any money. i'm sick of people giving me shit for my car being a mess. that just makes the whole thing even more overwhelming. i miss my friends. i miss feeling comfortable. i want to go home so bad, but the home i want to go to doesn't even exist anymore. i want to grab ray and scream at him to please for the love of god be affectionate. i want to tell my mom all the lies i've ever told her so i can finally feel like i'm not just a dirty liar. i want to go back to therapy. i want those pills that make everything go away. i want to stop worrying about everything so much that it keeps me up til 4 in the fucking morning but never have the courage, energy, or motivation to fix it. i want to remember some things. i want to forget even more things. i want to help. i want to be part of something great. i want to be everything my mother seems to think i can be. but all of that just seems impossible.

fuck this. it's pointless.

ps -

i think about you all the time
but i don't need the same
it's lonely where you are
come back down
and i won't tell 'em your name.
Comments: 4 dust bunnies - bite the dust.

Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007

Subject:it's my dick in a box.
Time:1:33 am.
Mood: annoyed.
when you think you have some sort of status, and then you find out you lost it a while ago and no one had the decency of telling you about it, is it wrong to be a little peeved about it? i mean seriously.. that sucks.

but it's my dick in a box.
Comments: bite the dust.

Tuesday, November 21st, 2006

Subject:it is my firm belief that it is a mistake to hold firm beliefs.
Time:6:21 am.
Mood: irritated.
i'll write about it here since i won't get shit from anyone in groton for it.

i really miss being friends with brien. i miss his opinions, i miss water balloons in base housing, i miss being the one he called when he had a problem or needed someone to talk to, i miss the shocker on the windshield.. i miss him as a person.

but i'll tell you what i'll never miss:

being used as a fucking information gatherer. i get that i pissed him off. but for fuck sake, either be my friend or don't. try or tell me to go fuck myself. don't just pretend you want to work shit out and then call me only when you want information on my friends. i'm not giving it to him anymore cause that's only a little fucked up. also.. there's no need to be a complete asshole to me for something someone i'm not even dating anymore did that you seem to think is fucked up. please just leave me out of your problems with him. it's not fair to anyone. least of all me.

i'm not that stupid. i know when i'm being used. and here's a news flash for you:

i'm not going to let you use me anymore.

if you ever want to get anything more than a "hello, what's up?" out of me ever again, you're going to have to prove to me that i can trust you.

now who's fucked up? what i did is starting to look a lot better compared to where you're heading.
Comments: 2 dust bunnies - bite the dust.

Friday, March 31st, 2006

Subject:a revolution without dancing is a revolution not worth having.
Time:10:47 am.
Mood: bitchy.
so nick made me go see v for vendetta with him. it was really really good. considering who made it and how they fucked their only other claim to fame up, i wasn't expecting to be impressed in the slightest. but, they've redeemed themselves. congrats guys.

in other news, i'm ridiculously sick, and i got sent home from work today. i went to the doctor and immediately following my statement of "i can't really swallow that well" he gives me the biggest antibiotic pills i've ever seen. thanks guy. 'preciate it.

also, everyone i know is being silly. all of 'em. they're all being ridiculous. and i'm having a bad day. so fuck this.

and by the way, i hope you choke.
Comments: 4 dust bunnies - bite the dust.

Thursday, March 2nd, 2006

Subject:save a plant, eat a cow, i want meat, i want it now.
Time:1:36 pm.
Mood: aggravated.
one tree hill's pissing me off. i want to watch the fucking episode. load FUCKER!

anyway.. i'm very upset because i had plans with the skank today to go get our supernatural on, and lo and behold, it's fucking snowing. what the hell. i can't drive in this shit. i can barely drive in rain. fucking tires.

so i guess i'm doomed to sit here until nick come's home from work and/or i brave the slipperyness and try to go somewhere. i think i'll pass on the slipperyness.

i hate today right now.
Comments: 1 dust bunnie - bite the dust.

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

Subject:i was cryin when i met you, now i'm dyin to forget you
Time:11:17 pm.
Mood: lonely.
i am so fucking sick of feeling alone.
Comments: 6 dust bunnies - bite the dust.

Monday, November 14th, 2005

Subject:if it's real for me, do i have to prove it to you?
Time:11:24 pm.
Mood: mellow.
hi. i'm not dead. survey time.

TEN FIRSTS
First Best Friend: i don't remember.
First Hamster: never had a hamster.
First Piercing: ears.
First Crush: jeff.
First CD: don't remember.
First Car: that piece of shit car i'm still driving.
First Love: ricky.
First Stuffed Animal: i don't fucking know. i was like.. negative one.

NINE LASTS
Last Alchoholic Beverage: shot of tequila
Last Vehicle Ride: today. on the way to appartment place.
Last Phone Call: nick.
Last CD Played: tenacious d.
Last Bubble Bath: way too long ago.
Last Time You Cried: 2 days ago.

EIGHT HAVE YOU EVER
Have you ever dated one of your best friends: yes.
Have you ever been arrested: yes.
Have you ever skinny dipped: yes.
Have you ever been on TV: yes.
Have you ever kissed someone and then regretted it: no.
Have you ever had a sex dream about someone you knew: yes.


SEVEN THINGS YOU'RE WEARING
1. tinkerbell hoodie.
2. pants.
3. undies.
4. nifty red polka dot bra.
5. socks.
6. shoes.
7. i'm not wearing anything else.


SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY
1. got an appartment.
2. went to norms.
3. saw mel.
4. watched the oc.
5. yea that's pretty much it.
6. which is exactly how i wanted to spend my first day off in a fucking week.

FIVE LAST THINGS PURCHASED
1. coffee.
2. PIE.
3. cheeseburger.
4. norms.
5. yea, i'm poor.

FOUR PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL [ALMOST] ANYTHING TO
1. mel.
2. carmen.
3. nick.
4. bk dan.

THREE CHOICES
1. Eat or Drink? eat.
2. Big or Small? depends.
3. Pink or Black? brite ass fuckin pink.

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. have enough money to not live from paycheck to paycheck.
2. smile and mean it.

ONE THING YOU REGRET
1. being born.
Comments: 1 dust bunnie - bite the dust.

Friday, October 21st, 2005

Subject:i hate when i can't finish my cereal.
Time:12:03 pm.
Mood: lethargic.
another mind numbing surveyCollapse )
Comments: 1 dust bunnie - bite the dust.

LiveJournal for Jill.

View:User Info.
View:Friends.
View:Calendar.
View:Website (myspace.).
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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.